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~Seulement Pour Mes Amis~
for my friends only

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the weekend wrap up

so this past weekend i saw dan, aka big. and he gave me a huge hug, very unexpected. i still think i am in love with him, and i don't want to be...ugh I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!  his roomate i ran into at a different bar, and offered to lick my butt =/ so yeah. i am running out of time on my laptop, so yeah mini blog

recycled words

so i posted some of this in my myspace blog, more like the prologue fo what i am going to write. well as i had written i was on my way to el paso and i was doing a lot of thinking in the car. six hours is a long time to think. i had a conversation with myself to dan. for those who don't know i fell head over heels in love with this guy dan, i am certain it was at first sight. the first time i had seen him and met him i couldn't take my eyes off of him, everytime i would see him with friends, i would just look at him, at how he would articulate and converse, and wow. anyways, i got my 'chance' with him. we started seeing eachother throughout november, and i dropped the 'L' bomb on black friday. ever since things obviously haven't been the same, we don't speak or anything, and fridays for me have been kinda marred. they are not fun, so i think i may have to retire fridays for a while, though i hate to stay at home.
so i got him a christmas present that i was planning for a while. and yeah, he gave me all this jazz, that he couldn't be the one for me, and yadda yadda i deserve someone better than him. which many of my friends would agree with that sentiment. and i now am starting to maybe think that it is the best thing. as much as claim up and down that i'm over it. i truly am not. completely. but i am getting there. so the convo i had with my cat in my car to el paso went something like this:
dan, i think you are such a coward. straight up. you never once put yourself first with me. you always came second to me, with you and i always put you second to me. i never asked you for anything, i could've taken advantage of your generosity, easily, but i would never want to do that. i never asked for you to love me back either, that night was not a mistake, there is no minimum time limit on how long it takes someone to fall in love with someone else. it became to real for you and that is a shame. i know what you were feeling, it was rather obvious, but your own hang ups prevent you from going forward, i know more than you think i do. i challenged you emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and you enjoyed it. what i offered you was so rare, and something i really dont think you've seen, or only seen it in yourself. you are scared that you will lose yourself, and finally be happy, and you just don't want to feel that. you deny what you know and suppress what you feel, dan. that is your shortcoming. and if it has worked for you for so many years, running away and being afraid to feel and fearing bettering yourself then that's fine, but how much longer will you be able to keep it going? when you finally realize that your wall has eroded it will be too late for you. then you will truly not find what you so longed for in your heart of hearts. the only person you will disappoint is yourself, so good luck in that. i hope you find yourself soon, and let go of whatever is keeping you bound to yourself.
there was more to it, but i've forgotten the lot of it. =(

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from myspace

so i feel as though i'm being punished. as though all that i have done in the past is looking to be paid now in full. i just feel so alone though i have people to talk to. i think that it might be my pride that i must swallow, which i have done and which i do on an almost constant basis. or maybe it's just taht i take in a lot of the negative, and don't let it out until it comes to a head, and then all hell breaks loose. i just am lost right now. i don't want to be alone in my house, but i don't want to depend on someone else to be there for me, and cheer me up... why? i'm just stupid i guess... ugh this sucks i need a release.

last night i went to charlie's something i hate doing, those who know me know i hate going out by myself. but i did with the aid of alexis then nickyboots. it was somewhat torturous, being there sans a drink in hand. so i was on the phone and this guy came up to where i was sitting and as soon as i hung up started chatting me up. he offered me a cig, and we talked rather briefly. nothing profound all very superficial. then before he left he gave me 'one for the road' and took off telling me that if ever i'm in tempe to hit him up....yeah right. i could always depend on the kindness of strangers---for ciggs. then this other guy being opportunistic saw a cigarette behind me ear and asked for one, well wanting to pay it forward i gave it to him. (actually they were kinda hard, and took forever to smoke plus i didn't have a drink to wash it down with) i left soon there afterwards as i didn't feel too mcuh like being social. though those lesbians seemed gregarious.....

poignant question from my myspace blog

keep in mind that there is a voice over as i type this à la sarah jessica parker's character in sex and the city, of course i don't own a laptop like her's and i'm not in NYC, however, i am a fashion maven, and the Carrie of the cliques i hang with. i'mjustsaying.

this question was asked of me the other day as i was comiserating and bleeding my heart out to a really good friend that fortunate consequence has seperated us until i visit him in the big city. everything happens for a reason, yes we all know that cliché, what some people have trouble understanding is that there IS rhyme and reason for everything that happens in our lives. why one day the sky is open and bright and everything is ducky, and the next... well the next is up for interpretation. there is the school of thought that believe that there are other fish in the sea, and to keep a stiff upper lip. others believe that you missed your chance, and so-and-so was the one that got away.

the former are optimistic realists, perhaps a bit too much, the latter, are not a pessimistic realisit, but just a realist...no two potential lovers/partners/girlfriends/boyfriends/egg donors what have you are the same. some offer land, sea and sky, others just the land you walk on. it's a hit or miss game, with the realist. both realists and optimistic realists are looking for the one that will make them happy. the optimistic realist knows that if it doesn't work out they will find someone else, (not that they are blasé about they're relationships) but they won't ever be alone. there are other fish in the sea, but it's ok to be hung up on tuna--if it's safer.
the realist feels within their heart of hearts they must do all they can  to impress and keep the one that offers much. they live by the credo: you don't know what you had until it's gone. if that works for you, fine, but, as for your humble author. i know what i have. what i have i appreciate, what i had will not be forgotten, and what i've lost will not be sought. i will never be alone, i realize there will always be fish in the sea; stars in the sky. i concede to my conceitedness and can safely say that not one has ever escaped me. i have never (fortunately or not) had to say that 'x' was the one that got away. i straddle both schools of thought....

My friend always with her deep words told me to watch out for my heart, it gets beat up a lot. as often or easily as i give my heart away, my heart is always guarded not by a wall you see, but by a calous, which for me works.
a caloused heart needs to beat a little faster
sigh a little louder
love a little longer
to break...a little harder.

and in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take.

as for the initial question, if you have to ask, you'll never know.



i'm in his house right now and i feel so distant from him. he's in the shower, and i feel like i can't reach him. he's so aloof, and it is just maddening. i'm frustrated because the last time i fell in love, i remember these feelings of vulnerability, and just everything seems to be so bleak. i really can't take it i'm at the point where i just want to break down, and let everything go. but i can't because i care to much for him, for this. it's so obvious that i am feeling gloomy. and i wish i didn't feel like this--the not knowing what he feels. if i confess myself too soon, i know it will just be not good. and push him away even further, but i always preach keeping it real, and i and dying to do so. but with matters in love, or confessing love, i feel as though that's a touchy situation. i'm pretty sure if he asks me my feelings it will come out like word vomit. i'm contemplating leaving a note with my heart scrawled across it, and walking away and seeing if he responds to that. but i don't think that he could take that. i'll just suffer silently. i wish he could read me better or touch me or ask me. god i adore him to no end, my chest is in knots. i love him so.


simple joys and pics

i love it when i win a game of solitaire and the cards dance, especially the long black dance..am i the only one?


so i'm home for an early thanksgiving. only two and a half days--totally lame. but at least it's something. it sucks so much not being able to update on a consistent basis! anyways. so work is going well. i'm enjoying myself and it's fun!

my home life it pretty ok, there are roaches =| and i FINALLY got my mailbox key, after 3 months, assholes!

love life....well that's interesting as usual. i'm falling in love. i broke a heart, and was told that i was dead to this person, and never greet him if i see him out.....he texted me a week later inviting me to dinner. i declined. then the other day i was with my new interest, at the bar and jesse my phirst foenix came up to me, and told me basically he fucked things up between us which i told him yes he did, and he apologized. i told him thank you, and to have a good night. finally that ghost is at rest. i am so falling for this guy-yes i'm a heartbreaker and a maneater. i've heard it all before. but i'm happy i don't have to dumb down my vocabulary, and i can talk to him about classical music, and religion, and politics, and everything!

there is so much that i'm forgetting....


i am sooo tired. i finished my bustier!! YAY! and i have the skirt left to tackle, i decided not to do the jacket because i simply had no time. i had my stuff on the dress form today, and my teacher passed it and gave it a look. WHATEVER!! and she complimented this girl's ensemble, it was really pretty. i have a feeling that my teacher didnt/doesnt like my piece w/ it is made of satin, and the seam allowences are exposed. so waht you normally see on the inside is on the outside and the fray is there, though i'm gonna trim it. NO ONE GETS IT! whoever's seen it thinks that it's backwards. i also have a peplum at the bottom of my bustier, and serendipitously, one of the sides was smaller than the other, and it gave a good effect i think. jose said he also really liked it. we'll see what wednesday brings...my playlist is begining to repeat itself so i'm gonna go to bed. NIGHT!!

p.s. jose had a laugh attack.....i love the way he laughs, it's soo heartfelt.

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August 2010