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ugh

i'm in his house right now and i feel so distant from him. he's in the shower, and i feel like i can't reach him. he's so aloof, and it is just maddening. i'm frustrated because the last time i fell in love, i remember these feelings of vulnerability, and just everything seems to be so bleak. i really can't take it i'm at the point where i just want to break down, and let everything go. but i can't because i care to much for him, for this. it's so obvious that i am feeling gloomy. and i wish i didn't feel like this--the not knowing what he feels. if i confess myself too soon, i know it will just be not good. and push him away even further, but i always preach keeping it real, and i and dying to do so. but with matters in love, or confessing love, i feel as though that's a touchy situation. i'm pretty sure if he asks me my feelings it will come out like word vomit. i'm contemplating leaving a note with my heart scrawled across it, and walking away and seeing if he responds to that. but i don't think that he could take that. i'll just suffer silently. i wish he could read me better or touch me or ask me. god i adore him to no end, my chest is in knots. i love him so.

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