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so i feel as though i'm being punished. as though all that i have done in the past is looking to be paid now in full. i just feel so alone though i have people to talk to. i think that it might be my pride that i must swallow, which i have done and which i do on an almost constant basis. or maybe it's just taht i take in a lot of the negative, and don't let it out until it comes to a head, and then all hell breaks loose. i just am lost right now. i don't want to be alone in my house, but i don't want to depend on someone else to be there for me, and cheer me up... why? i'm just stupid i guess... ugh this sucks i need a release.

last night i went to charlie's something i hate doing, those who know me know i hate going out by myself. but i did with the aid of alexis then nickyboots. it was somewhat torturous, being there sans a drink in hand. so i was on the phone and this guy came up to where i was sitting and as soon as i hung up started chatting me up. he offered me a cig, and we talked rather briefly. nothing profound all very superficial. then before he left he gave me 'one for the road' and took off telling me that if ever i'm in tempe to hit him up....yeah right. i could always depend on the kindness of strangers---for ciggs. then this other guy being opportunistic saw a cigarette behind me ear and asked for one, well wanting to pay it forward i gave it to him. (actually they were kinda hard, and took forever to smoke plus i didn't have a drink to wash it down with) i left soon there afterwards as i didn't feel too mcuh like being social. though those lesbians seemed gregarious.....

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