keep in mind that there is a voice over as i type this à la sarah jessica parker's character in sex and the city, of course i don't own a laptop like her's and i'm not in NYC, however, i am a fashion maven, and the Carrie of the cliques i hang with. i'mjustsaying.

this question was asked of me the other day as i was comiserating and bleeding my heart out to a really good friend that fortunate consequence has seperated us until i visit him in the big city. everything happens for a reason, yes we all know that cliché, what some people have trouble understanding is that there IS rhyme and reason for everything that happens in our lives. why one day the sky is open and bright and everything is ducky, and the next... well the next is up for interpretation. there is the school of thought that believe that there are other fish in the sea, and to keep a stiff upper lip. others believe that you missed your chance, and so-and-so was the one that got away.

the former are optimistic realists, perhaps a bit too much, the latter, are not a pessimistic realisit, but just a realist...no two potential lovers/partners/girlfriends/boyfriends/egg donors what have you are the same. some offer land, sea and sky, others just the land you walk on. it's a hit or miss game, with the realist. both realists and optimistic realists are looking for the one that will make them happy. the optimistic realist knows that if it doesn't work out they will find someone else, (not that they are blasé about they're relationships) but they won't ever be alone. there are other fish in the sea, but it's ok to be hung up on tuna--if it's safer.
 
the realist feels within their heart of hearts they must do all they can  to impress and keep the one that offers much. they live by the credo: you don't know what you had until it's gone. if that works for you, fine, but, as for your humble author. i know what i have. what i have i appreciate, what i had will not be forgotten, and what i've lost will not be sought. i will never be alone, i realize there will always be fish in the sea; stars in the sky. i concede to my conceitedness and can safely say that not one has ever escaped me. i have never (fortunately or not) had to say that 'x' was the one that got away. i straddle both schools of thought....

My friend always with her deep words told me to watch out for my heart, it gets beat up a lot. as often or easily as i give my heart away, my heart is always guarded not by a wall you see, but by a calous, which for me works.
a caloused heart needs to beat a little faster
sigh a little louder
love a little longer
to break...a little harder.

and in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take.

as for the initial question, if you have to ask, you'll never know.

so i feel as though i'm being punished. as though all that i have done in the past is looking to be paid now in full. i just feel so alone though i have people to talk to. i think that it might be my pride that i must swallow, which i have done and which i do on an almost constant basis. or maybe it's just taht i take in a lot of the negative, and don't let it out until it comes to a head, and then all hell breaks loose. i just am lost right now. i don't want to be alone in my house, but i don't want to depend on someone else to be there for me, and cheer me up... why? i'm just stupid i guess... ugh this sucks i need a release.

last night i went to charlie's something i hate doing, those who know me know i hate going out by myself. but i did with the aid of alexis then nickyboots. it was somewhat torturous, being there sans a drink in hand. so i was on the phone and this guy came up to where i was sitting and as soon as i hung up started chatting me up. he offered me a cig, and we talked rather briefly. nothing profound all very superficial. then before he left he gave me 'one for the road' and took off telling me that if ever i'm in tempe to hit him up....yeah right. i could always depend on the kindness of strangers---for ciggs. then this other guy being opportunistic saw a cigarette behind me ear and asked for one, well wanting to pay it forward i gave it to him. (actually they were kinda hard, and took forever to smoke plus i didn't have a drink to wash it down with) i left soon there afterwards as i didn't feel too mcuh like being social. though those lesbians seemed gregarious.....