so this past weekend i saw dan, aka big. and he gave me a huge hug, very unexpected. i still think i am in love with him, and i don't want to be...ugh I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!  his roomate i ran into at a different bar, and offered to lick my butt =/ so yeah. i am running out of time on my laptop, so yeah mini blog

so i posted some of this in my myspace blog, more like the prologue fo what i am going to write. well as i had written i was on my way to el paso and i was doing a lot of thinking in the car. six hours is a long time to think. i had a conversation with myself to dan. for those who don't know i fell head over heels in love with this guy dan, i am certain it was at first sight. the first time i had seen him and met him i couldn't take my eyes off of him, everytime i would see him with friends, i would just look at him, at how he would articulate and converse, and wow. anyways, i got my 'chance' with him. we started seeing eachother throughout november, and i dropped the 'L' bomb on black friday. ever since things obviously haven't been the same, we don't speak or anything, and fridays for me have been kinda marred. they are not fun, so i think i may have to retire fridays for a while, though i hate to stay at home.
so i got him a christmas present that i was planning for a while. and yeah, he gave me all this jazz, that he couldn't be the one for me, and yadda yadda i deserve someone better than him. which many of my friends would agree with that sentiment. and i now am starting to maybe think that it is the best thing. as much as claim up and down that i'm over it. i truly am not. completely. but i am getting there. so the convo i had with my cat in my car to el paso went something like this:
dan, i think you are such a coward. straight up. you never once put yourself first with me. you always came second to me, with you and i always put you second to me. i never asked you for anything, i could've taken advantage of your generosity, easily, but i would never want to do that. i never asked for you to love me back either, that night was not a mistake, there is no minimum time limit on how long it takes someone to fall in love with someone else. it became to real for you and that is a shame. i know what you were feeling, it was rather obvious, but your own hang ups prevent you from going forward, i know more than you think i do. i challenged you emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and you enjoyed it. what i offered you was so rare, and something i really dont think you've seen, or only seen it in yourself. you are scared that you will lose yourself, and finally be happy, and you just don't want to feel that. you deny what you know and suppress what you feel, dan. that is your shortcoming. and if it has worked for you for so many years, running away and being afraid to feel and fearing bettering yourself then that's fine, but how much longer will you be able to keep it going? when you finally realize that your wall has eroded it will be too late for you. then you will truly not find what you so longed for in your heart of hearts. the only person you will disappoint is yourself, so good luck in that. i hope you find yourself soon, and let go of whatever is keeping you bound to yourself.
there was more to it, but i've forgotten the lot of it. =(

i'm in his house right now and i feel so distant from him. he's in the shower, and i feel like i can't reach him. he's so aloof, and it is just maddening. i'm frustrated because the last time i fell in love, i remember these feelings of vulnerability, and just everything seems to be so bleak. i really can't take it i'm at the point where i just want to break down, and let everything go. but i can't because i care to much for him, for this. it's so obvious that i am feeling gloomy. and i wish i didn't feel like this--the not knowing what he feels. if i confess myself too soon, i know it will just be not good. and push him away even further, but i always preach keeping it real, and i and dying to do so. but with matters in love, or confessing love, i feel as though that's a touchy situation. i'm pretty sure if he asks me my feelings it will come out like word vomit. i'm contemplating leaving a note with my heart scrawled across it, and walking away and seeing if he responds to that. but i don't think that he could take that. i'll just suffer silently. i wish he could read me better or touch me or ask me. god i adore him to no end, my chest is in knots. i love him so.

so i'm home for an early thanksgiving. only two and a half days--totally lame. but at least it's something. it sucks so much not being able to update on a consistent basis! anyways. so work is going well. i'm enjoying myself and it's fun!

my home life it pretty ok, there are roaches =| and i FINALLY got my mailbox key, after 3 months, assholes!

love life....well that's interesting as usual. i'm falling in love. i broke a heart, and was told that i was dead to this person, and never greet him if i see him out.....he texted me a week later inviting me to dinner. i declined. then the other day i was with my new interest, at the bar and jesse my phirst foenix came up to me, and told me basically he fucked things up between us which i told him yes he did, and he apologized. i told him thank you, and to have a good night. finally that ghost is at rest. i am so falling for this guy-yes i'm a heartbreaker and a maneater. i've heard it all before. but i'm happy i don't have to dumb down my vocabulary, and i can talk to him about classical music, and religion, and politics, and everything!

there is so much that i'm forgetting....