so i posted some of this in my myspace blog, more like the prologue fo what i am going to write. well as i had written i was on my way to el paso and i was doing a lot of thinking in the car. six hours is a long time to think. i had a conversation with myself to dan. for those who don't know i fell head over heels in love with this guy dan, i am certain it was at first sight. the first time i had seen him and met him i couldn't take my eyes off of him, everytime i would see him with friends, i would just look at him, at how he would articulate and converse, and wow. anyways, i got my 'chance' with him. we started seeing eachother throughout november, and i dropped the 'L' bomb on black friday. ever since things obviously haven't been the same, we don't speak or anything, and fridays for me have been kinda marred. they are not fun, so i think i may have to retire fridays for a while, though i hate to stay at home.
so i got him a christmas present that i was planning for a while. and yeah, he gave me all this jazz, that he couldn't be the one for me, and yadda yadda i deserve someone better than him. which many of my friends would agree with that sentiment. and i now am starting to maybe think that it is the best thing. as much as claim up and down that i'm over it. i truly am not. completely. but i am getting there. so the convo i had with my cat in my car to el paso went something like this:
dan, i think you are such a coward. straight up. you never once put yourself first with me. you always came second to me, with you and i always put you second to me. i never asked you for anything, i could've taken advantage of your generosity, easily, but i would never want to do that. i never asked for you to love me back either, that night was not a mistake, there is no minimum time limit on how long it takes someone to fall in love with someone else. it became to real for you and that is a shame. i know what you were feeling, it was rather obvious, but your own hang ups prevent you from going forward, i know more than you think i do. i challenged you emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and you enjoyed it. what i offered you was so rare, and something i really dont think you've seen, or only seen it in yourself. you are scared that you will lose yourself, and finally be happy, and you just don't want to feel that. you deny what you know and suppress what you feel, dan. that is your shortcoming. and if it has worked for you for so many years, running away and being afraid to feel and fearing bettering yourself then that's fine, but how much longer will you be able to keep it going? when you finally realize that your wall has eroded it will be too late for you. then you will truly not find what you so longed for in your heart of hearts. the only person you will disappoint is yourself, so good luck in that. i hope you find yourself soon, and let go of whatever is keeping you bound to yourself.
there was more to it, but i've forgotten the lot of it. =(

keep in mind that there is a voice over as i type this à la sarah jessica parker's character in sex and the city, of course i don't own a laptop like her's and i'm not in NYC, however, i am a fashion maven, and the Carrie of the cliques i hang with. i'mjustsaying.

this question was asked of me the other day as i was comiserating and bleeding my heart out to a really good friend that fortunate consequence has seperated us until i visit him in the big city. everything happens for a reason, yes we all know that cliché, what some people have trouble understanding is that there IS rhyme and reason for everything that happens in our lives. why one day the sky is open and bright and everything is ducky, and the next... well the next is up for interpretation. there is the school of thought that believe that there are other fish in the sea, and to keep a stiff upper lip. others believe that you missed your chance, and so-and-so was the one that got away.

the former are optimistic realists, perhaps a bit too much, the latter, are not a pessimistic realisit, but just a realist...no two potential lovers/partners/girlfriends/boyfriends/egg donors what have you are the same. some offer land, sea and sky, others just the land you walk on. it's a hit or miss game, with the realist. both realists and optimistic realists are looking for the one that will make them happy. the optimistic realist knows that if it doesn't work out they will find someone else, (not that they are blasé about they're relationships) but they won't ever be alone. there are other fish in the sea, but it's ok to be hung up on tuna--if it's safer.
 
the realist feels within their heart of hearts they must do all they can  to impress and keep the one that offers much. they live by the credo: you don't know what you had until it's gone. if that works for you, fine, but, as for your humble author. i know what i have. what i have i appreciate, what i had will not be forgotten, and what i've lost will not be sought. i will never be alone, i realize there will always be fish in the sea; stars in the sky. i concede to my conceitedness and can safely say that not one has ever escaped me. i have never (fortunately or not) had to say that 'x' was the one that got away. i straddle both schools of thought....

My friend always with her deep words told me to watch out for my heart, it gets beat up a lot. as often or easily as i give my heart away, my heart is always guarded not by a wall you see, but by a calous, which for me works.
a caloused heart needs to beat a little faster
sigh a little louder
love a little longer
to break...a little harder.

and in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take.

as for the initial question, if you have to ask, you'll never know.

i'm in his house right now and i feel so distant from him. he's in the shower, and i feel like i can't reach him. he's so aloof, and it is just maddening. i'm frustrated because the last time i fell in love, i remember these feelings of vulnerability, and just everything seems to be so bleak. i really can't take it i'm at the point where i just want to break down, and let everything go. but i can't because i care to much for him, for this. it's so obvious that i am feeling gloomy. and i wish i didn't feel like this--the not knowing what he feels. if i confess myself too soon, i know it will just be not good. and push him away even further, but i always preach keeping it real, and i and dying to do so. but with matters in love, or confessing love, i feel as though that's a touchy situation. i'm pretty sure if he asks me my feelings it will come out like word vomit. i'm contemplating leaving a note with my heart scrawled across it, and walking away and seeing if he responds to that. but i don't think that he could take that. i'll just suffer silently. i wish he could read me better or touch me or ask me. god i adore him to no end, my chest is in knots. i love him so.