so i posted some of this in my myspace blog, more like the prologue fo what i am going to write. well as i had written i was on my way to el paso and i was doing a lot of thinking in the car. six hours is a long time to think. i had a conversation with myself to dan. for those who don't know i fell head over heels in love with this guy dan, i am certain it was at first sight. the first time i had seen him and met him i couldn't take my eyes off of him, everytime i would see him with friends, i would just look at him, at how he would articulate and converse, and wow. anyways, i got my 'chance' with him. we started seeing eachother throughout november, and i dropped the 'L' bomb on black friday. ever since things obviously haven't been the same, we don't speak or anything, and fridays for me have been kinda marred. they are not fun, so i think i may have to retire fridays for a while, though i hate to stay at home.
so i got him a christmas present that i was planning for a while. and yeah, he gave me all this jazz, that he couldn't be the one for me, and yadda yadda i deserve someone better than him. which many of my friends would agree with that sentiment. and i now am starting to maybe think that it is the best thing. as much as claim up and down that i'm over it. i truly am not. completely. but i am getting there. so the convo i had with my cat in my car to el paso went something like this:
dan, i think you are such a coward. straight up. you never once put yourself first with me. you always came second to me, with you and i always put you second to me. i never asked you for anything, i could've taken advantage of your generosity, easily, but i would never want to do that. i never asked for you to love me back either, that night was not a mistake, there is no minimum time limit on how long it takes someone to fall in love with someone else. it became to real for you and that is a shame. i know what you were feeling, it was rather obvious, but your own hang ups prevent you from going forward, i know more than you think i do. i challenged you emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and you enjoyed it. what i offered you was so rare, and something i really dont think you've seen, or only seen it in yourself. you are scared that you will lose yourself, and finally be happy, and you just don't want to feel that. you deny what you know and suppress what you feel, dan. that is your shortcoming. and if it has worked for you for so many years, running away and being afraid to feel and fearing bettering yourself then that's fine, but how much longer will you be able to keep it going? when you finally realize that your wall has eroded it will be too late for you. then you will truly not find what you so longed for in your heart of hearts. the only person you will disappoint is yourself, so good luck in that. i hope you find yourself soon, and let go of whatever is keeping you bound to yourself.
there was more to it, but i've forgotten the lot of it. =(

so i feel as though i'm being punished. as though all that i have done in the past is looking to be paid now in full. i just feel so alone though i have people to talk to. i think that it might be my pride that i must swallow, which i have done and which i do on an almost constant basis. or maybe it's just taht i take in a lot of the negative, and don't let it out until it comes to a head, and then all hell breaks loose. i just am lost right now. i don't want to be alone in my house, but i don't want to depend on someone else to be there for me, and cheer me up... why? i'm just stupid i guess... ugh this sucks i need a release.

last night i went to charlie's something i hate doing, those who know me know i hate going out by myself. but i did with the aid of alexis then nickyboots. it was somewhat torturous, being there sans a drink in hand. so i was on the phone and this guy came up to where i was sitting and as soon as i hung up started chatting me up. he offered me a cig, and we talked rather briefly. nothing profound all very superficial. then before he left he gave me 'one for the road' and took off telling me that if ever i'm in tempe to hit him up....yeah right. i could always depend on the kindness of strangers---for ciggs. then this other guy being opportunistic saw a cigarette behind me ear and asked for one, well wanting to pay it forward i gave it to him. (actually they were kinda hard, and took forever to smoke plus i didn't have a drink to wash it down with) i left soon there afterwards as i didn't feel too mcuh like being social. though those lesbians seemed gregarious.....

i love it when i win a game of solitaire and the cards dance, especially the long black dance..am i the only one?